Into the void...
“That night she sat for hours, too numb even to drink, teaching herself to breathe in a vacuum. For this, oh God, was the void. There was nobody who could help her. Nobody in the world. They were all on something, mad, possible enemies, dead.”
-Thomas Pynchon, The Crying of Lot 49
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2002-10-11
3:55 p.m.
In the interest of being a bit proactive for once, I have finally decided that it’s time to do something about the horrible way I’ve been feeling for the past few months. I met with my doctor today for the first time in a month or so, and he and I decided to try a new approach to my treatment, seeing as how the previous attempt to make things better by simply increasing the dosages of the drugs I was on turned out to be a complete failure. So, now I have an entire list of things to remember during the next three-week period before I’m finally off one drug, on a new one, and have begun and stopped yet another one in the middle somewhere just to ease the effects of withdrawal.
Apparently, the makers of Paxil have a lawsuit pending against them due to the fact that they advertise the drug as being non-habit-forming. The fact that the drug company can even begin to possibly make that kind of assertion about Paxil positively baffles me, as I have personally experienced the kind of withdrawal symptoms that can completely incapacitate one, even if I had just forgotten to take it for a few hours. It is DECIDEDLY habit-forming, and it struck me that the drug company was full of shit for stating anything otherwise.
So, today, I went into my appointment with the doctor and asked him if he’d heard about the lawsuit. He said, of course, that he had, and that at least 40% of the people who take Paxil experience withdrawal symptoms when they lower a dosage or go off it entirely. This is the kind of thing that makes me think drug companies need to be monitored more closely, if this is the kind of blatant misinformation that’s floating around out there.
In any case, my plan is currently outlined as follows. I’m supposed to decrease the Paxil I’m on by 20mg for the next five days without any other change. This is going to be markedly uncomfortable and miserable, but, seeing as how it’s only for five days and I know that it’s for the eventual hope that I’ll feel a bit BETTER, perhaps I can manage.
Then, for the next week, I’m supposed to cut out the Paxil entirely and replace it with Prozac because Prozac has a longer half-life and significantly fewer withdrawal symptoms. Therefore, the withdrawal effects from going off the Paxil should appear minimized by the introduction of the Prozac, while giving my body time to adjust to the fact that the Paxil that’s been in my system consistently for the past three years is suddenly gone.
When I quit the Paxil and begin the Prozac, I’m then supposed to begin taking Wellbutrin. As the level of the Wellbutrin increases, the level of the Prozac will be decreased and eventually cut out entirely. The Neurontin that I take will be left alone for the time being, and it won’t be changing at all until after we determine whether the Wellbutrin is a step in the right direction or not.
I’m actually somewhat excited by this whole process. I haven’t had the possibility of an uplifting experience in quite some time now. I’m sick of the Paxil, I’m sick of feeling like crap and not having enough energy to make it through an evening class or to watch an evening football game on TV before going to bed. I can’t do anything after work and before I go to bed, except lie on the futon in front of the TV, staring blindly and stupidly at the damn screen, not really seeing or hearing anything.
And I’m sick of not being able to help Rob around the apartment at all.
Luckily, though, I’m sort of at a point where I no longer curse myself so much for being lazy. I’m not lazy. I’m more productive with the time I use than anyone else I know. The problem is that after about four or five hours of productivity per day, I am absolutely fucking spent, and I simply don’t have the energy to do anything other than stare at a wall or sleep. This is my most telltale sign of depression and the fact that my drugs are no longer helping. And, this is not to mention that the anxiety is once again to the point where a single disagreeable word from someone I encounter has the potential to ruin my entire day, increase my heartbeat so that it feels like I just came home from a long and strenuous run, and turn the entire upper half of my body to a highly embarrassing and physically hot, bright and splotchy red.
It’s definitely time for a change.
