Into the void...

2003-08-27

9:46 a.m.

I have not been well lately. Every time I look around, I want to cry. People make me want to cry. My life makes me want to cry. My medications make me want to cry. Stress makes me want to cry. It’s a far cry from where I was several years ago when I couldn’t cry to save my life.

So things are not well.

But that’s no big deal, no big surprise, just life as usual in the daily experience of being me. Everything’s great with Rob, and I absolutely love him to death.

But I feel like I want to die.

I’m so fucking tired. My brother invited Rob and me to go to a minor league baseball game last night in Lowell, and, although it was against my better judgment, I figured I haven’t been doing much with my life lately so I might as well go to a baseball game and stay up way past my bedtime just to try and feel as though there is something worthwhile in life. The game wasn’t bad, but it was long, and I only ended up getting five hours of sleep or so, which is nowhere near enough for me.

I am becoming extremely disgusted with my drugs.

It’s troubling because I realize I always feel kind of shitty this time of year once I’m sick of the whole summer thing and I realize how I didn’t really have a summer and I remember what summers used to be like when I was in school and everything runs on in depressing succession without ceasing. But aside from the usual end of summer craziness, I’m disheartened by the fact that I worked my ass off in class this summer and I only got mediocre grades. They’re acceptable, but they’re not good. And I realize how very far I am from the girl who used to know everything.

I don’t know anything anymore, and it’s all the fault of those damn drugs.

Drugs are fucking miserable pieces of shit that should not be allowed on the planet. I’m aggravated by the fact that my moods are regulated by mind-altering chemicals that don’t effectively keep me pleased with life. I’m aggravated by the fact that I used to be so smart that I didn’t have to think about anything. I just inherently KNEW things. Now, I don’t know anything. And beyond that, I can’t remember anything from one moment to the next. My doctor told me that was a side-effect of my drugs, and, to an extent, I know that’s true. But then I think back to high school when the big EVENT happened to change my life, and I can relive in my mind the transition from smart to stupid. One day, I walked into school and I knew everything. The next day, my brain had exploded inside my head, and I no longer could spell my own name or walk without bumping into walls. I could no longer anticipate what was coming or going, who I was or what I wanted or needed, everything was just a major blur of absolute confusion.

And that’s where I remain.

Every day it gets worse. Every day, I lose a little more of the memory that used to be easily able to remember all the words to a song after hearing them once or twice. Now, even if I listen to a song over and over and over and over, I can eventually struggle to learn the words by rote memorization, but then they don’t mean anything. They’re just words put together into…nothing. It’s all nothing. It’s all worthless. It’s all the life I was supposed to have and hold, live by and conquer. But it has obliterated me. It has turned me into a ghost of myself, so faded from the glory I was supposed to achieve that I can only catch momentary glimpses of the stealthy demon traitor who stole my life and gave me this shit in return.

<- previous | next ->