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Confession
thejanechord
Diaryland
notifylist.com
2002-08-29
1:45 p.m.
As soon as I take the step away from talking to someone and I sit down at my computer, the pain in my head becomes far too intense to endure. It feels like about a million tiny hands are pulling on my hair really hard from the inside of my skull. I’ve taken more painkillers today than I’ve had to take in a really long time, and that’s really something considering how much I have to take to keep my back from feeling like it’s going to break in half.
This is really not cool.
My head feels heavy and hot, almost like it did when I was sick in bed in Italy for a week because of some mysterious affliction I came down with. I should clarify that it doesn’t feel quite that bad. I can’t imagine a pain more dreadful than that.
Goddamn, that hurt.
What’s more irritating than the pain in this instance, though, is the fact that I know it’s due to the recent increase in the meds. I TOLD my doctor when he suggested the increase that he’s tried that before and it gave me terrible headaches. He said to try it anyway, so here I am struggling through endless minute after minute and hour after hour at work, staring blankly at the computer screen because I have absolutely nothing on the face of the planet to do but wonder how the interview in my boss’ office is going.
I really shouldn’t even care.
If it weren’t for my financial struggles, I wouldn’t have to think about getting a promotion already. The opportunity is here, though, so I’m trying to take it. Before it was here, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. The job I’m in right now provides me with time to write my book, keep up with my journal, and worry about the sure-to-be-horrendous process of changing my meds. If further changes are going to be as much fun as this tiny adjustment has been, I’m in for a hell of a ride.
My head hurts so badly that my eyes are throbbing. The back of my neck is a thick, wiry cord of tightly wound rope that’s being pulled on opposite ends by someone much stronger than me. Light hurts my eyes so much that I feel like I need to wear my sunglasses in the office. I feel like I can’t breathe because the passages that lead from my nose to my throat and into my mouth are all raw from being tensed up in giant balls for the past several weeks, possibly months. I just feel like absolute hell.
This is obviously not helping much.
