Into the void...

2004-06-24

4:28 p.m.

After much drama, I finally feel like I have reached some resolution with the Dennis Lehane issue. We had a long e-mail conversation that ended on good terms. And I finally feel like I know what he was trying to say.

Thank god.

Now that that drama is over and now that Rob and I are successfully moved into the new apartment, I find it interesting to note that my anxiety has not diminished in the slightest. Well, okay, maybe slightly. But not much. And I’m still adjusting to the new medication that I’m convinced is not going to work out, but I’m giving it a good try so no one can say I didn’t give it a chance.

But I’ll tell you why it’s not going to work.

It’s not going to work because I can feel the difference in myself between when I take it, when it kicks in, when it’s being metabolized, and when it’s gone. The truly scary thing about it is that as soon as I feel it gone, I feel like I need more. But then, if I take more, I feel sick because of the side-effects again. So, unless the dosage gets high enough that it’s always in my system, this drug is not going to work. And it can’t always be in my system because its half-life is too short. No matter how much I take in the morning, it’s still worn off by lunchtime, then it wears off again by dinnertime, then it knocks me out at bedtime, and then I feel dizzy in the morning until I’ve been at work for several hours.

Then it starts all over again.

It amazes me how little the people who give these drugs out actually listen to you. If I say a drug isn’t working, it isn’t working. I can tell. I can feel it. I’m the one experiencing every moment that the drug is in my system. I’m not so crazy that I can’t feel.

I’m just too crazy to be believed, apparently.

Today, I’m actually rather pleased to be in the office. This is because yesterday was our staff outing. Once a year, we have a staff outing that’s supposed to be our reward for an academic year of hard work. Two years ago, we went on a bus tour of the Big Dig. Last year, we went to a Red Sox game. The game would have been fun if it hadn’t been a billion degrees in the shade and so muggy that you could see more haze than field. This year, we went on a tour of historic Lexington. Once again, it was hot and the air-conditioning on the bus was broken.

I felt like a child on a field trip, except that field trips used to be fun.

What was particularly interesting was the one place where we stopped for a multimedia presentation that must have been put together in the 1970s. They had one case with a sign telling about Paul Revere and the lanterns in the Old North Church, and, just in case we didn’t know what lanterns looked like, they had two fake lanterns behind glass for our viewing pleasure. They weren’t the actual lanterns used, not even valid reproductions of what the lanterns would have looked like in 1775. They were just fake lanterns.

Fake lanterns.

At least today in the office I have air-conditioning. I guess I should be grateful. You know what I’m even more grateful for, though? Central air at home. Ah, central air. This is when I know the new apartment was an excellent choice.

Central air makes everything better.

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