Into the void...
“That night she sat for hours, too numb even to drink, teaching herself to breathe in a vacuum. For this, oh God, was the void. There was nobody who could help her. Nobody in the world. They were all on something, mad, possible enemies, dead.”
-Thomas Pynchon, The Crying of Lot 49
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2004-05-06
12:57 p.m.
It has been too long since I’ve written in my journal. I keep thinking it’s okay if I don’t write all the time because I just keep amassing this humongous collection of writings, but then I feel guilty that I could be writing things down more carefully, allowing myself to remember things more easily later on. And believe me, I need help remembering things.
My memory is absolutely shot.
I wanted to write today because I’ve been meaning to write about the recent vacation Rob and I took. About two weeks ago, we rented a car and drove to Cooperstown, New York to see the Baseball Hall of Fame. This is something Rob’s wanted to do his entire life, and, since he’s closer to it in Boston than he ever was in Georgia, he figured we might as well go from here.
The Hall was really pretty interesting, probably more interesting than I would have expected. There really is something almost mystical about all that history with baseball. It’s just such an American Dream kind of thing. And all those baseball movies help sell that image really well.
There were two things that were surprising about the Baseball Hall of Fame. First of all, the actual hall where they show inducted members was cool, but I think I expected it to be somehow more impressive, more majestic. I’m not sure how or why, but I was surprised to see that each inductee had only a plaque to commemorate their accomplishments. And I hadn’t heard of many of the players. The second thing that was surprising was that Cooperstown was a really small town.
I mean, really, really small.
We were there off the peak season, so a lot of things were closed. Every time we tried to go to a restaurant, it was closed for the season. But the restaurants we did find were excellent. Well, every time except the time we couldn’t find anything other than a Pizza Hut. Even for that, we had to drive to a neighboring town. Seriously, Cooperstown is TINY. Downtown is about one block. And not four sides of the block -- just one.
And CVS closed at 5 o’clock on Sunday. What do you do when you have an upset stomach and the CVS is closed?
Nevertheless, Rob and I had a good time. The hotel had a beautiful view overlooking the lake, and it was nice to just kind of hang around, play a few games of pool in the game room, or sit in the room watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs. (It’s that time again!)
God, I love hockey. Too bad we didn’t see the Hockey Hall of Fame.
After Cooperstown, we drove back to Massachusetts, where we stopped at an outlet mall so I could do some shopping, probably because Rob felt bad that we were doing all this sports-related stuff. I got two pairs of shoes and a pair of jeans, so I was fine with all the sports stuff.
Finally, we ended up in Springfield, Massachusetts, where we planned to visit the Basketball Hall of Fame. Our hotel there smelled funny all the time because of the fish in the Chinese buffet attached to the hotel, but it was otherwise fairly nice. We were able to relax and watch more hockey until it was time to go to the Basketball Hall of Fame.
I think the Hall took us about two hours to get through. By the time we got there, we were already tired from doing everything else. It’s weird because we were trying to relax on vacation and everything, but we aren’t used to walking around a lot and going out to eat everyday and always wondering what to do next. So, our experience at the Basketball Hall of Fame may have suffered a bit from our weariness.
But I won’t complain.
I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a basketball fan. I do not like basketball at all. I’ll watch some of March Madness with Rob, but that’s about it. And even that’s only interesting for parts of games.
In any case, I was glad to be back after the vacation because I was eating too much and not exercising, so I felt like a total slob. But getting back meant we had to get back to work and school and all the other responsibilities we have.
I hate responsibilities.
Now, Rob and I are both stressed out again. He’s been waiting to hear about a possible job change, and he jumps every time the phone rings. I, of course, am nervous for him, too, even though we both know it’s going to work out barring some unforeseen disaster. And there’s a lot to think about if he gets this new job. I might be interested in his old job, except that it’s too much work for too little money, and I don’t know if I can, in good conscience, go into that kind of position when I’m working so hard on my book and my degree. What if I get the job and I can’t finish my degree? What if I get the degree, but I can’t finish my book?
What will be the point of my life?
My god, I can’t bear the thought of spending too much more time in this office. I can’t do this forever. It’s not that my job is so bad, it’s just that I know I’m capable of so much more, and it’s completely going to waste. I’ve felt like this my entire life. Is it ever going to end? Will I ever be at a place where I’m making a living in some way that is personally fulfilling? If not, I’m afraid my life will have had no meaning.
And that’s all there is to it.
