Into the void...

2003-11-05

10:25 a.m.

I feel like I’m going to burst into tears, and I have no idea why. I’m feeling extremely emotional these last several weeks, and this is never a very good sign. When I start feeling extremely emotional, it generally means I’m about to break down.

Yesterday, on the bus on the way into work, there were two girls standing right behind where Rob and I were sitting. They were talking about how to get their employer to pay for their cell phones because they’re going on an international trip for work and they think they should be able to call their mothers and boyfriends whenever they like while they’re abroad. They were the kind of girls that makes me wish I was not a girl. They were so irritating with their nasal voices and their loud-ass, self-righteous assumptions of always being in the right, always needing to be pampered with an unnecessary luxury at someone else’s expense.

Thank god for medication.

This is when the medication is definitely a good thing. Such a tiny example of my general disgust for life and I was left literally able to feel the restraining qualities of the medication. Without the medication, I would have sat there in my seat, clenching my fists in anger, unable to stop the muscles all over my body from clenching up, tightening my throat and nearly choking me, strangling the air from entering my lungs, securing my rib cage in such a way that my heart feels pressure immediately atop it. And it would have worsened by the minute, lasted for the rest of the day, and made me unreasonably incapable of calming down until I let it out in self-inflicted violence or heavy drinking.

Now, the impulse to beat those girls rises within me, and the medication beats it back down. Rather than clenching my fists and all my muscles, the impulse begins, and the medication says, “Uh-oh, I have to calm this girl down,” and I feel my body physically flinch, I feel a shudder, and then it goes away. That ends up going in a cycle of anger, clenched fists, the slight feeling that I’m nearing a point where I won’t be able to breathe, then a flinch, and it all begins again when triggered by the idiocy of the people around me.

At least the medication allows me to breathe.

It’s not all that much better, really, but at least I can manage to make it through to the end of the bus ride without lunging at the girls on the bus and ripping their hair out one handful at a time because I can’t stand the thought of them, the sight of them, the sound of them. It’s such a stupid thing to get so worked up about, but these are the same girls that get on the bus and discuss fashion so very, very LOUDLY that the entire bus can hear every word. And they know it, and they think that the whole bus SHOULD hear it because what they have to say about handbags is important for the whole world to hear. God, if only the whole world could have the proper handbag to go with their outfit, then everything would be fine in the universe.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.

And again I’m angry since I started thinking about it. I guess it’s better than feeling like I’m going to cry. You know, I’m almost twenty-six years old. I feel like I should be beyond all this petty disgust for stupid girls. But I’m not. And I can’t help it. It’s a disease of hating the universe, and I simply embody the disease.

The disease is me.

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