Into the void...

2004-04-06

3:55 p.m.

I finished the first draft of my novel, and I’ve begun work on revision. It’s a little overwhelming from the start, but I’m sure it’ll settle down soon. I just need to keep at it, and I’m sure I will. But I want to write about something else right now.

I’m experiencing a new problem lately that I’m kind of worried about. It started right when we were in the middle of admissions season here at work, so I assumed it was stress-related. But work has slowed down significantly, and I’m left here with little to do for most of the day, and it’s wonderful for those of us who are working on great works of literature.

But I still have the problem.

You see, I’ll be calmly sitting at my desk, minding my own business, or walking down the sidewalk on my way to the bus, and all of a sudden everything will start to seem like it’s moving really, really fast. It’s literally like someone’s taking my life and pushing the fast-forward button, except that it’s only the world around me that’s moving faster. I’m still going the same pace. So I feel like I’m going to fall over.

It is extremely unsettling.

Can you imagine what that’s like? I’m moving at one rate, but the rest of the world is moving at another, and I can’t slow it down, and I can’t speed myself up, so I feel dizzy and lightheaded and like I’m going to pass out. Also, colors seem really bright and lights seem really bright, and everything feels like it’s assaulting my eyes.

It hurts my brain.

I imagine that it still could be stress related, but I take some of my dopey drugs that are supposed to calm me down and it doesn’t calm anything down. I just feel more worked up that nothing is slowing down the world.

And goddammit if I wasn’t about to kill someone on the bus this morning.

I swear to god, Rob and I got on the bus this morning, and there were only a few empty seats. Now, it would appear that there are always people on the bus who don’t understand that, for every one person, there is only one seat that should be necessary. The only exceptions to this general rule of common courtesy are for 1. those people who are too fat to fit in a single seat, or 2. those people traveling with too much crap to hold in their lap.

But it doesn’t end there.

No. People get on the bus and sit there with their legs hanging all over the place and their coats taking up the seat next to them or their backpack on the seat next to them when they know damn well that they could very easily hold their bag in their lap like all the decent people and allow others to sit down. So, ordinarily, this is the sort of thing that would bother me when I don’t do something about it. And I am now determined not to let these people sit there draped over three seats when Rob and I would like to sit in two seats next to each other.

I have taken to just sitting down next to these people even though it’s clear they didn’t think anyone would sit there because they’re so important that they need the extra space their fucking empty ass heads take up. And even after I sit down, they don’t move. This morning, I nearly smacked some guy who could very easily have sat up in his seat and allowed me a comfortable ride.

But no.

It’s like he can’t move out of principle because that would be giving in to the evil gods of commuter bus-dom. Now, my question is this. What the hell kind of lack of common fucking decency makes these people do this? Why do they insist on spreading themselves out over three seats when people are standing on the bus?

Now, prepare yourself for this because I don’t say things like this very often, and please remember that I am well aware that there are exceptions to every rule. But the fact of the matter is that I know damn well why these people won’t move over for me. And do you know why it is?

It’s because I’m white.

I swear to god I’m not racist, but sometimes I wonder. I mean, seriously. What the hell kind of parents let their kids run all over the place taking up seats on the bus, screaming in the ears of the serious commuters, annoying the shit out of everyone who has to go further than the junior fucking high school without ever mentioning what common courtesy is?

Who the hell are these people?

I mean, seriously, I don’t fucking care if a person is black or white or goddamn fucking purple. But if they’re taking up more than one seat on the bus and the two rules listed above do not apply, then they are on my fucking shit list.

And what am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to ignore them? Am I supposed to be the bigger person? I can’t let them fucking walk all over me. I know. I’ve tried that. It turns me into the kind of person who can’t fucking walk down the street without thinking the road feels like one of those people-movers at airports because I get so fucking MAD that I can’t see straight or see colors or see lights without feeling like my eyeballs are burning holes through the back of my skull.

Stress? Maybe. I don’t fucking know.

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