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Confession
thejanechord
Diaryland
notifylist.com
2004-06-02
2:49 p.m.
Ever since the unfortunate news from my fiction class, my anxiety has been out of control. The Lorazepam I was taking to control it has stopped working.
And so the ride begins.
Here I am AGAIN, in a drug-induced haze, staring at the screen, wondering who I am and what I’m doing here. Things going on in my life are also out of control, but I can’t think about them because of the strange new feelings from the new drug. Is this an improvement over the anxiety itself? Well, it only causes pain, disorientation, and a funny swelling in my throat.
So, yes, it is an improvement.
Christ, my anxiety was and is still causing me to jump all over the damn place. I mean, really, when a fly buzzes past my ear, I should not jump violently out of my skin and feel like I’m falling off the edge of a cliff. That’s not the way the world is supposed to work. And so we’re trying this new drug called Gabitril.
I’m not sure I like this idea.
The Gabitril is an anticonvulsant, which means it’s generally used to treat seizures. Whether or not you would consider what my anxiety causes a seizure is up for debate. I would argue that it is somewhat akin to a seizure, yes. And an anticonvulsant should stop the irregular tremors that pass through my body at even the slightest irritation.
But it’s not the same.
The Lorazepam is a fast-acting sedative that I could take whenever I needed help calming down. Granted, it wasn’t the best for unexpected upsets, but at least I felt like I had a little control. Going back to something more long-term for the anxiety is a disappointment. It took me a long time to talk my last doctor into giving me the Lorazepam, and he only agreed after I got out of the hospital the last time and told him it could have been avoided if I’d had something to take right away.
And that’s true.
All I want is something that will not make me feel this woozy. Most drugs give me headaches. The Lorazepam made them go away. All the muscles that tense up when I’m upset (which we all know is most of the time) stay tense when I’m on a long-term medication. The fast-acting meds make the muscles relax, thereby relieving the sense I have that my scalp is being stretched more tightly across my skull.
Goddammit.
I guess I didn’t realize how much I liked the Lorazepam. Too bad it stopped working. For those more familiar with the brand name, Lorazepam is the generic version of Ativan. I swear I need Xanax, but it’ll be awhile before anyone will prescribe that to me. Given the fact that I had a few run-ins with street drugs when I was in college, they don’t like to give me anything addictive.
But that’s a stupid excuse because they’re all addictive.
I swear to god, if you tried to take my drugs away from me right now, I would lose my fucking mind. And I’m not kidding. I ran out of Neurontin not too long ago and had to go a day without it -- one day -- and I had to leave work early to go to the pharmacy to pick it up because I felt so horrendous. Then, it took several days for me to get back to normal.
Normal. Right.
Incidentally, after I left work, went to the pharmacy, and got home, I realized I was locked out of my apartment. Isn’t that fun? Exactly what I needed after the most miserable day I’ve experienced in years.
I always get locked out at the worst possible times.
In any case, today I feel like everything is moving more slowly than it should because of the Gabitril. I am very sluggish, and time seems to have not gone anywhere in the last . . . too long for it to have been not long. See? I told you I was disoriented.
Stupid drugs.
Every so often, I start to wonder if I’d be better off without drugs at all. And every so often, I wonder why no one has ever said to me, “Krista, this is what you can do to help your anxiety. . . .” Of course, the end of the thought cannot be to “take a few deep breaths” because, although it is good to remember to breathe during a panic attack, it doesn’t stop the panic. It doesn’t cure anxiety.
So, what does?
Is it just going to get worse? Because I don’t know if I can take it getting any worse. I don’t know if I can keep going through this “let’s try a new anti-anxiety medication for you every two years” crap. I need closure.
And this isn’t it.
