Into the void...

2004-03-11

11:46 a.m.

I’m feeling woozy today. I’m going through alternating periods of cold and hot, shivers and sweats. My extremities feel electricity struggling to issue itself through the process of circulation, but something isn’t working quite right. I can barely feel my hands and feet, my arms and legs. I keep losing my balance when I try to walk. And other than the slight tingly, electric feeling, all I feel is emptiness.

I guess I’ve made it through the toughest part of my job for the year. January and February are the worst months, then somewhat into March. Right now, we’re back in a slow point, and I’m ready to work on my book and get that damn first draft done as soon as possible. But I can’t work on it here because I have to do research first and I don’t have my notebook. I have the book, but I don’t have the notebook. That damn book is getting too heavy to carry around everyday. But I’ll work on it soon.

Rob and I somehow scored tickets to a Celtics game last night. And these were not just any tickets. These were the kind of tickets that give you special access to exclusive bars and clubs and restaurants in the Fleet Center. These seats had menus. You could order off the menu, and a waitress would bring you whatever you wanted. It was pretty cool even though I know nothing about basketball. I think all I needed to know was that the Celtics were playing the Lakers, and Shaquille O’Neal is one big motherfucker. He’s pretty amazing to watch, even for someone who hates the sport.

I’m really pretty bored out of my mind right now. I’m too tired from being out last night to be able to focus on anything. I want to write for my book, or even a new story, but I’m so goddamn tired. I feel like all I can do is stare at the screen. I don’t even see what I’m staring at; I just stare, and my eyes go out of focus, and I forget where I am, who I am, and why the hell I’m so tired.

I have recently decided that I hate my job. I guess I knew this to an extent, but the thought of staying here indefinitely is really starting to frighten me. I need out. I need something else. I need to do something that I actually feel is important. I hate this mindless paper-pushing crap. I hate that all I hear around me all day is conversations about celebrities. I hate that I have to deal with students who think they’re smarter than me but can’t spell or add. It’s pure torture.

Please god, don’t let me get stuck here for any longer than is absolutely imperative.

My older sister has recently gotten engaged. This is the sister who has turned down three previous offers of engagement. She will be the first person in my immediate family to get married. It feels kind of weird. I almost feel like I don’t know how to react to it. I’m really happy for her, and I like her fiancee. It’s just weird. Suddenly, someone in my family is doing something that other people in normal situations do.

Normal? In my family? That’s weird.

What’s really weird is that the day I learned of her engagement, I had awoken to a dream about her best friend getting married. The best friend of hers was killed in a car accident two summers ago. I have no idea why I would have been dreaming about her best friend who died two years ago, especially in a marriage situation, especially when I learn that my older sister is about to get married. Apparently, my sister and this best friend of hers had agreed to be maids of honor in each other’s wedding ceremonies, so my sister will not be having a maid of honor. I think that’s really awesome. It seems a bit odd to have a sullen reminder of something like that in the middle of the joyous occasion that is a wedding, but I think it’s great. Good for her.

So, I guess that’s most of the news right now. Other than the concrete details of my life, I’m feeling pretty uninteresting. Rob and I are not doing a whole lot with our time because we’re both dead on our feet as soon as we leave the door at 5pm every night. I’m trying to read more, trying to write more, trying to become more of a better person, and yet, all I can think is that I’m not doing anything. Why does it always feel like I’m not doing anything? Even when I’m busiest, I feel like I’m not doing anything. It’s like nothing is important enough for me to consider it interesting. A few years ago, this would probably have made me extremely angry. But thanks to sedating medications, all I feel now is boredom. Complete and utter boredom.

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