Into the void...

2002-11-25

2:40 p.m.

I don’t know quite yet who went to my Wish List and bought me stuff, but to whomever it was: THANK YOU!

Finally, I’m going to take the time to sit down and write what I’m thinking. I’ve been so busy lately, what with working full-time and taking a graduate-level course in research methods that is positively kicking my ass. Every free moment I have is spent reading or writing for my course, and I’m only taking the one class. Thankfully I had enough sense not to go to grad school full-time. I don’t think that would’ve been the right road for me.

I’m not complaining about the work for the class, but it does seem like an awful lot. Perhaps I’m simply not used to using all my time productively. Ah, the good old days of jobs where you didn’t have to do anything.... Of course, this job doesn’t really keep me all that busy, either. Sometimes I’m busy; sometimes I’m not.

Whatever. It’s just a job.

My mental state of late has been significantly better than it was when I was on the Wellbutrin, but it’s not entirely wonderful. I miss the Paxil. I wonder if it was a mistake going off it, but then I keep reminding myself that every afternoon made me feel like I wanted to rip out my own throat. I also remember many panic attacks that should never have occurred while I was still on the Paxil. So, I guess things are going alright with the medications for the time being. If it weren’t for the horrendous headaches I get every time one of the medications needs to be refreshed in my system, I guess things would be pretty good.

I guess.

All of this is, of course, taking into account the fact that the state of tolerable living for which I’m striving is not exactly the most wonderful state of affairs. Things just wouldn’t be right if I was happy. I wouldn’t be me. So, I guess I’ve stopped looking for happiness. Happiness is such an idealistic term, anyway. I don’t believe anyone can be happy most of the time unless they’re really stupid or horribly, embarrassingly AVERAGE.

I hate average.

Life these days is so average that it’s making me insane. I’m hopelessly in love with the man I’m living with, and we’re relatively happy except for when we’re worried about our finances. My job is pretty okay, although I’m sure I could have better. I’m enjoying my class, and I’m thrilled about the opportunity to do research for the course at the same time as doing research for my book.

But I'm very busy, and I'm not very happy.

I feel like I don’t have enough time to unwind and relax. I feel like I don’t have enough time to fully appreciate Rob. I feel like I don’t have enough time to think about why I am where I am and how exactly it is that I got here. But I guess that doesn’t matter. That’s not what we’re supposed to do, is it? We’re supposed to just go on, never really wondering why, never really questioning the point of it all.

That’s not me.

I will forever question. I will forever want more. I will forever be convinced that I’m not living up to whatever potential it was I was supposed to live up to. I will forever think of myself as a failure, even though I’m doing far more than anyone else I know to further myself, my career, my personal life and projects,....

My brother took Rob and me out for dinner last weekend for my birthday, and while we were out, my brother jokingly said something to the effect of how he’s "always trying to think about what effect he’ll have on the future of humanity." He said it flippantly, like he thought it was an entirely ridiculous thought that anyone should ever expect to have an effect on the future of humanity. It KILLED me. I wanted to cry. He seriously sounded as though he’d never thought about having an effect on the whole of humanity, and he made it sound as though it were an unusual thing to think about. I think about the effect I’ll have on the future of humanity every day. I am alive and breathing right now, at this very moment, because I honestly believe I will have an effect on the future of humanity.

If I can’t count on that, why would I put off the inevitable?

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